I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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