It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
