There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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