theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
