Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
