ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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