i just wanna soil my oats bro
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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