she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
