i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
