thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
