I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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