i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
