I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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