Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
you will always have a special place in my vag
it's great music for shaving your balls
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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