respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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