My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
