OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
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