I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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