We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
