There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
