Swine flu. Run for my life!
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
