don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
