so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
