my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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