Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
