I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
