I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
