Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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