Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
