and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
