i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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