So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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