So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
