she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
