maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
