Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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