guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
