Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
