The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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