mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
tell me about the fingering
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