booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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