You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i think my mom watched the whole time
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
