he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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