I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
