You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
