I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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