I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
