yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
