I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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