if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
