yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
