how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
